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Attachment Issues This is a huge and complex subject. We are not experts on it, but we can refer you to people who are, and give you an overview of what the issues are. This is not intended to be comprehensive coverage, just a bit of background, resource, and encouragement. I have two sisters, both of whom have adopted. I've also witnessed first hand with family members, the affect of abuse on a person's ability to trust in long term relationships. Here are a few things I have learned: Consistency is perhaps the most important thing. A small consistent consequence will be more effective than a large inconsistent one. It takes at least three repetitions before it has any positive effect, and can take as long as a month. Remember, kids with attachment issues are used to people being inconsistent. They'll test you time and again to see if you are going to react the same way each time. The older they are, the more times and the more ways they will test you. Being consistent is the quickest way to get through it. Reading up a bit on it ahead of time can help. Attaching in Adoption is one book that is recommended by many adoptive parents, along with Toddler Adoption, and The Weaver's Craft. One sister says that adopting an 18 month old is way different than adopting a 4 year old. Her 4 year old tested her much more. She had to be there much more for the 4 year old, and for a longer period of time before she could make a difference in teaching her to overcome some of the bad habits she had when she came to them. Another sister said that when she brought home her daughters, she had to demote the 2 year old to a near infant status in order to foster trust. She fed her, changed her, bathed her, and did everything for her even though she was capable of doing some things herself. Other parents have said similar things about helping a child learn to depend on Mom to meet their needs. In a normal infancy, a baby and mother engage in an intricate choreography from birth through all the developmental stages. The learn each other's habits and behaviors. When the "terrible twos" roll around, the child is not so much testing Mom as they are testing the limits of their world. With a child who is disrupted, or who does not have the opportunity to learn someone in that way in infancy, the process of catching up can be traumatic for all involved. Even when you get them at just a few months old, they still have to learn things about you that they would have known if they had been with you from birth. The longer the time away from you, the longer it takes for them to really settle into any semblance of predictability, and even then, they may have the feeling in the back of their heads that it could go wrong at any time. That affects behavior at the deepest levels. Patience, love, and diligent consistency can win out in most instances, but usually it will push the parents to limits they did not know they had before it does.
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