Bonding Activities

A variety of activities that can help to build bonds within a family, and between parent and child. These and other similar activities can help to bridge the distance with adoptive children and with children of divorce, or who have experienced the loss of a loved one, or other disruptions in relationships in their lives.

Holding, feeding, playing with an infant forms bonds with the caregiver. A parent needs to establish several places in the infant's heart - The parent needs to be reliable in providing for basic needs such as food, warmth, and comfort. The parent needs to establish reliability in providing for emotional needs, such as love, comfort, sympathy, and enjoyment. Not quite an emotional need, the parent should also provide an element of play. Play with an adult is not totally a need, but it enriches the relationship, strengthens the bond, and brings joy and laughter to the participants, which makes handling the less enjoyable times more bearable.

When you bring an older child into the home and they have definite attachment issues, it is sometimes appropriate to demote them to infant for a time. This works on a child up to about 2-3 years of age, depending on the child. It means you feed the child, dress the child, and in many ways treat them younger than they really are, in order to foster a feeling of dependence on you for their most basic needs. If you prove reliable, then they can safely form a bond with you. If you do not, then they will remove themselves from any emotional dependence on you. Having the child sleep in the same room with you is sometimes appropriate. Playing hands on games like Pat-A-Cake, This Little Piggie, and "dancind" with the child, tickling, or other play that involves safe touching is also a good way to bring an older child back down to a younger age where they can reconstruct some of the childhood that was lost.

Talking with an infant, even if you feel they cannot understand, is a tremendously positive influence. Your child becomes accustomed to your voice, to your speech patterns, and to your company more quickly. They also will learn language more quickly if words are spoken in context from an early age, for example, "Shoe" when putting on a shoe.

With older kids, talk is also an important element, but must be non-threatening to have any impact. When a child feels threatened, what you say gets all twisted around. It may take a while to understand what a child's threat triggers are in speech, so be patient. But open, non-judgemental talking can be powerful. We take each of our children aside on a regular basis and have a parent to kid talk with them. Just Mom, Dad, and Kid. We talk about whatever they want to talk about, ask about how their life is going, talk about what can help make it better, and sometimes mention what we would like to see them do better on. But it cannot be a bawl out session where the parents just tear the kid apart and criticize them for faults. It is a good time to talk about life goals and to point out a child's strengths and gifts. Once a month is a good rule, once a week if a child is in a difficult period in their life.

Touch cannot be underestimated for an infant. Appropriate touching, rubbing the back, arms or legs, hugging, and play involving touch is very powerful in bonding. Examples are holding the hands while a child tries to sit for the first time, helping a child "dance", patting on the back for comfort, blowing sputters on their neck, playing with their toes, and other fun or comforting touches.

We describe touching as a way for two people to communicate soul to soul. Almost like an electrical connection or totally spiritual connection, when something unseen and deep passes between them. Negative touches have an increased power because of this, and so do positive ones. Touch must be used in a good way. It is ok to hold a child's hands or arms (not hurting) when you really need to get their attention for discipline, but not to hurt. Touching while talking can make your words more effective, but if you do so in a damaging way, the damage is also deeper. Make sure you are sending the message you want to send.

For some children, touch may be unpleasant or uncomfortable. Parents are encouraged to gently and cautiously persist in offering and accustoming the child to appropriate affectionate touches, because most children who begin life this way, or come into your home this way, will learn to accept touch, and to respond to it on an emotional level in a positive way over time. We have experienced a number of different examples of this:

The Troubled Teen: We have had a number of teens come into our home, not on a permanent basis, but as friends of our kids. Some have been from abusive backgrounds. The pattern has almost always been the same - When we first meet them, they are very distant from us as parents of their friend. We make an effort to let them know we care. I usually go out of my way to say hi and touch them on the arm or some other brief and inoffensive touch when I ask them how they are doing. I look them straight in the eye. Many are uncomfortable even with that. With time, I will increase the familiarity to putting my arm around them from the side to give them a half hug. With boys, it will usually not go beyond that, sometimes it stops with a pat on the shoulder. Most teen girls though, I can eventually work up to giving them a hug. I am not pushy about it. And I do not feel that I have a need to invade their space, but over time I will gradually increase the contact so that eventually they are comfortable with a brief hug. There always comes a day when they let me hug them for the first time. And I always keep the tone light so they do not feel like I think it is a big deal. But it is always a big deal to me. It means they have learned to trust me at least a little bit. And with some, there comes a day when they come to me upset, and they ask for a hug, or when they see me having a bad day and tell me I look like I need a hug. Most of the friends of my daughters now come into our home, and as a matter of course, seek me out to give me a hug and say hello. This process is very delicate, and must never be abused. Hugging is good when it is used right, but should never be used as a means of obtaining power. Reaching a child through touch involves a careful balance of listening to their heart in how much they are comfortable with, and knowing when it is the right time to take them just a tiny bit outside their comfort zone.

The Addicted Baby: Many drug addicted babies find touch of any kind unpleasant, even painful. They do not respond as normal infants do. Often their skin is physically painful for some time, and their bodies are often uncontrollable for them, or disassociated for a time. When held they may be rigid instead of cuddly. With a child who reacts like this, touch is still very important, but it must be slow, cautious, and must be increased as the child responds. It is often a matter of finding a kind of touch that the child can endure. Perhaps one child will only want to be patted on the back or tummy, another will not be able to endure motion at all, but only still and soft touch. Another may want to be firmly held and to have their limbs held still as they are lifted and moved. Pay attention to what you can do, and gradually the child will begin to respond to more normal infant touches.

An Abused Child: Touch means something different to an abused child. It can mean a threat, or it can mean a precursor to a threat. After all, good touches in an abusive life generally mean you are building up trust so you can violate it. The child may respond instantly to good touches, but they may be expecting bad ones to follow. Or they may be responding to good ones in the hopes that they can keep the bad ones at bay by doing so. In either case, your job is not to remove touch, but to make sure that it is extremely well guarded so that it never even borders on the inappropriate. It is harder to reach this kind of child through touch, because for a long time it will be misinterpreted. It MUST be persisted in though, because it is essential for the child to learn that the rules they were taught are not what good families do. They will eventually learn that touch has other meanings, and begin to respond to those meanings rather than the previously conditioned meanings.

Play breaks down barriers of resentment, and builds bonds of enjoyment. There are a lot of ways to play with a kid, and there is only one major key to playing with children:

Play is only fun if the child enjoys it.

Kids should be exposed to things that are outside their comfort zone. And they should learn to come inside someone else's world, but at first, YOU have to be the one to come into their world. It is your duty to figure out what they enjoy doing, and to find ways to have fun with them. This is trickier with a teen than with a younger child, but family activites that are wholesome and good are always an appropriate place to start.

We particularly recommend outdoor activities without the presence of non-family members. Things like camping, hiking, biking, swimming, boating, skiing, hunting, or other activities that get the family out in an environment that is challenging on a personal level, not necessarily competitive on a group level, and which allow both ample time for family interaction, and for personal reflection are perfect for helping a child discover both the good in a family, and to figure out a bit more of who they really are. Persist in the things that are traditional in your family, but be willing to let the kid be an individual. Also be willing to try new things yourself. How can you persuade them that it will not hurt them to go along with something unfamiliar if you are not willing to do so?

Reading with kids of all ages creates common experiences, gives opportunities for discussion, and provides a good atmosphere for a parent to spend regular time with a child. You can do this on a group basis, or one on one. Even older children will love a story if it is on their level. Perhaps just reading the jokes from the Reader's Digest aloud, or going to the library or bookstore together to pick out a book to read together. The only real rule here is: You have to finish the book!